Breast feeding was nice while it lasted. I was able to pump 5 oz total at the most so cannon was only getting 2 oz or maybe a little more from each side and I couldn't make him nurse longer. He would always stop when the milk stopped. I would pump often too and I took fenugreek. I would give him formula a few times a day i only ever made 2 oz and he would rarely finish it. And i would pump even when I gave him formula.  I know supplementing is "bad" when you are trying to breast feed. Anyway it just feels good giving your baby breast milk. I felt like though my milk never settled right in his stomach because he almost always had a nasty spit up right after. Formula poops are the worst by the way. Sooo hard to clean off!

So last week I was soo tired and fatigued that one day I just let w&f wreck the place, watch cartoons all day and I sleep walked to get them water and cereal which they ate all day... I slept and didn't eat and didn't pump and I gave him mostly formula and I  was slightly depressed and oh my back hurt. I might have written about that weirdness already. So my milk pretty much disappeared just like that. So fast. And then I felt bad about myself. I can't believe I ruined it like that.  And then Neal tries to solve all my problems and tell me what to do but he doesn't understand that breast milk doesn't just come in on its own like a faucet. It takes a crazy amount of attention. I said I would try 3 more days to build it up but it isn't really working. I expected to nurse him for he 2.5 seconds he will stay latched and them pump after that even if    nothing came out and give him a bottle of formula.  I have only pumped 1.5 ounces total in one pumping. That is not good.

Tomorrow is the 3rd day and after that I don't know what to do. I feel really bad just giving up. I didn't feel this way with w&f. Maybe because there were 2 and I didn't expect to last very long and I didn't. This baby I really wanted to breast feed but by giving him formula also I think I sabotaged it.

Here is one of the last times I pumped 5oz! I had to document it.  haha I mean it's so special. jk

Better but Not

Cannon was only awake like 2 hours last night instead of 5-6 because w was awake most of the afternoon and evening. But w&f still wake up at 6 these days and it isn't the sun like Neal thinks because it was dark this morning! And they aren't falling asleep until 9! So I don't get it. 

Yesterday I had the worst aches but they went away after I got sleep. But now hey are back with a head ache. It feels like the flu chills where everything hurts when it touches your skin. 

I am sick of refilling w&f water bottles. I think weaning them of those is going to be worse than a Binky (which they haven't had since 3-4 months old)

I just don't understand why after they drink 3 whole cups like (like close to 30 oz) of water they will freak out if you say no more! It is ridiculous! 

I think that all of their snacking and inability to eat a proper breakfast has something to do with it. 

Also I am so glad our landlord is weird and would rather our house smell like diapers instead of the garage....

Night

I am not sure how many more times I can do this up all night up all day with maybe a 3 hour nap at 10 pm.

I need sleep but it isn't happening.

Actually it is 3:17 and he is falling asleep!!  Drinking precious pumped breast milk that I had to pump because he wouldn't nurse without letting go every 2 Seconds because it was coming out too fast. 

I am not counting on him staying asleep. 

And just like i thought he slept only 10 minutes.

My eyes feel like they are on fire. I have a head ache. My whole body hurts. My legs are throbbing. My right boob hurts like freaking crazy! I pumped but they still feel full. i think i am plugged up. he wants to nurse but he WILL not latch on! He will only take a bottle at night. 

Now he is asleep on my chest again for 60 seconds. 

I wish I trusted Neal better with all the kids so I could sleep in the evenings but I am always afraid he isn't going to feed them and that he will fall asleep too and we will be two neglectful sleeping parents.

 Also I have to go shopping once in a while because we end up with zero good the twins will eat but I NEVER want to go out. It is too much work when i could be sleeping. Or Just not out an d about  wearing myself out even more.

For some reason falcon has been getting out of bed every night at 3 am.

Every night I break down crying and am done with this. I plan to stop breast feeding and I plan to just give the babies a bucket of cereal and a bucket of water and sleep all day and let them destroy whatever they please. 

Tonight my body started to ache and now it feels like I am getting the flu or something but it could just be my EXTREmE never before experienced tiredness catching up to me. 

It is 6 and I think I heard one of the babies o pen their curtain and cannon just closed his eyes. 

Seriously you have for to have one stein perspective to understand why anybody would want to do this everyday. I am not excited about any stage any of them will go through because they are just going to get worse. 

Cutes

Falcon and Waylen say "yaaaay" if you say "do you want a cookie?"

When we want to take just one of them somewhere we sneak him out by am distracting the other. Neal just took Waylen out and I distracted Falcon in their room then I asked him if he wanted to help make browned and he came to the kitchen and said while holding up his hands "where's Waywen?" Then he put his hands to his mouth and quietly yelled  "Waywen where are yoooou?" Several times.

Cannon is smiling all the time now and making "aaaahhh" noises. 

He had been sleeping ALL day from around the time w&f wake up to around 5 and only waking to eat. 

Then he is awake for a while then sleep for a short time and then is awake until w&f wake up again. It is lovely. It is just nearly impossible to keep him awake if he is tired. You can bother him but no matter what his eyes close again!

But he is too cute. 

Over and Over

My days are the same thing over and over again.
Sometimes I don't mind and sometimes it kills me.
The past few days I have gotten like 4 hours of sleep each night.
Monday Falcon woke up at 6 am.
Today they both woke up at 6 am. and Cannon fell asleep finally at 7am (just perfect timing....) after being awake since 1 am.
Neal slept from after we ate dinner all the way to 1 in the morning and we were both just so tired we thought he had gotten like 8 hours because we forgot he was getting home later and assumed he fell asleep at 4 when really he fell asleep at 7.
But he still took care of Cannon after that so I could TRY to sleep but Cannon just kept crying and Falcon woke up crying once that I just wasn't getting rest.
I got to sleep from 10pm to 1am. But after that I got maaaybe 2 hours in 15-30 min increments! haha
That was lovely.
Then when they woke up at 6 I decided to just do laundry and throw myself into doing crap because if I TRY to sleep W&F wake me up so many times I get reallly really really really mad and grouchy.
It is going to be a LOOONG day full of screaming.
It is 7:30 and I already threatened to take away all of their toys so there was nothing for them to fight about because they are constantly high pitch screaming and yelling no at each other for no reason! and that drives me absolutely insane that I shout so loud people who think I am quiet would drop dead..

Prego vs Not

I think besides the discomfort there are sooo many positives to being pregnant.

Everyone is different but here is my experience...

Positives of being pregnant.

It is an excuse Eat whatever you want

freaking nicest skin I have ever had

like zero grease was produced by my body

Zero leg hair

Boobs! Ok I have always had like nearly A size so gong to a B was new territory.

I went almost a week before shampooing my hair every time while pregnant- that was the best part. 

And since I didn't need to wash my hair I didn't shower as often either and when I did shower I was like "whyyyy don't I do this more often?" because it made all aches and pains go away.

Then of course the biggest positive is the experience of growing the cute baby and feeling him kick and move.

The negatives of AFTER baby:

The booobbss! I was excited when I realized I could lay on my belly again but nope actually I can't. It is quite painful.

The weird short flyaway hairs that grow around my face. 

I can only go 2 days again without shampooing. Darn it

My leg hairs grow! Darn it

I don't even mind the extra belly or stretch marks or the weight gain. Those will go away eventually maybe. And if not I don't care at all! 

My worst problem:

The acne that started a month after he was born. It is THE. WORST. EVER. I have never had great face skin (except when I was prego) but this is puberty bad. A mixture of stress/ hormones/ extra oil/ I started (and promptly stopped) using conditioner again. I have never been able to use that stuff without breakouts galore but this is beyond the conditioner problem this time. It is cra a zeeeeeeee these break outs! The worst.

Csection recovery

Like both pregnancies and deliveries were different so were both recoveries.

After W&F recovery was kinda hard. Standing up for the first time it hurt soooo bad I cried. And it still hurt even after they gave me more meds. It hurt when I got home and it hurt when I laughed and it was just not fun.

This time well of course it wasn't fun either but it was EASY once I got home. I even had a cough and threw up a lot this time and while it did hurt some i stood up just fine the first time. The meds were way better or something. I was really drugged this time while with W&F I felt normal instead of loopy.
One problem I had was passing gas. hahahaha yeah hilarious. I was in tears the WHOLE night after he was born because I could freaking fart. and I was starving (no food until you fart) and 4 saltines every 3 hours was NOT holding me over.  SO I went a whole 2 days with no food! I could have just said I did but I was afraid if I ate food and I got sick or something they would know I lied.

I left the hospital a whole day and a half earlier this time without my staples thank goodness!

Thankfully I could laugh with no problems (maybe because all of the coughing being worse than a laugh?) and it healed really fast and the pain was easily managed with just ibuprofen after a week.

I even lifted w&f a few times and vacuumed and did laundry when I shouldn't have... 

I wasn't supposed to do anything but walk for 6 weeks.. Oops.

But I could tell when I was doing too much and would slow down and after all I didn't bust my gut so I think I did ok.

It is so nice when it all stops hurting but it never stops being tender to the touch/ numb and tingly.

I am excited to start yoga again soon. When I get the motivation and time- never. Hah

Feeding toddlers

Auto correct is terrible but I am lazy and I am sure you can figure out which words are supposed to be something else.

I enjoyed feeding w&f when they first started eating food until they got picky. It was exciting as I am sure it always is when your kids hit milestones but holy cow. At this point I wish I has never given them junk food or stopped going them certain foods they didn't like.

They stopped eating bananas, apple sauce, oatmeal, corn, beans, green beans...  so I stopped offering and replaced those things with whatever they would eat. Because I hate kids with empty stomachs.  

Now they eat dry cereal with million cups of water for breakfast. 

Cheese mozzarella sticks, goldfish, yogurt, and fruit snacks for snacks.

Chicken nuggets or fish sticks for lunch. 

Peanut butter sandwiches for snack or lunch.

More dry cereal. Maaaaybe something different for dinner. Usually nothing good.

Two meals they love recently are spaghetti and a rice dish Neal's mom suggested on the back of a chicken rice packet that has chicken, green chilies, black beans, and corn. 

I used to be so good at making hem eat healthy by beating wary of sweet cereal and fruit snacks and junk but that goes down the drain with a dad who doesn't care what they eat/ won't feed then real food and other people watching them because junk food is easy and something they will eat. 

Ooooh how I wish they had never tasted a fruit snack.

It may not seem like a big deal to others or i seem to be overreacting but unless you have twins that are constantly yelling and screaming all day for cookies and fruit snacks and cereal you don't understand. 

I have GOT to crack down on this but I have to do it alone and I have to be consistent with saying no and just ignoring the whining until they decide what I give them is good and healthy and that they aren't going to get what they whine for. And that is HARD. 

I have to just offer the oatmeal or banana or broccoli and if they don't eat it they have to wait until their snack time and then until lunch and so on. 

They have dominated me with their requests and having a baby to breast feed now I can't always get up to get them what they want but they end up screaming in my face so I DO always end up stopping what I am doing to get what they want just so they will leave me alone. And I feel like I have done that so much already it will be impossible to break the habit. 

We have already started to say no to the extra water requests and they have started to cry less and and less depending on the time and situation. Today I said no and they actually said "no more water" and were fine! So maybe there is light at the end of this dark dark tunnel of crazy toddlerhood but I am not very optimistic and I am sure that is part of our problem. 

The Screaming!!!

I cannot take it. 

The past two mornings Neal has taken W&F in the living room while I tried to get sleep in the bedroom with Cannon who sleeps good after 6am....ugh. 

Well the past two mornings Falcon has been screaming the most terrible screams! It is terrible and of course has made me want to scream myself! I cannot stand this crying!

It is always because he isn't getting something he wants.

Today I got up and he said he wanted a snack which means fruit snack so I told him we didn't have any snacks and showed him the cabinet so he could see we had no fruit snacks where they usually are because if try SEE the food is gone they are usually satisfied with that but then he requested waffles and I am not making waffles! So I told him those are all gone too which makes him continue the screaming. Neal finally offered him goldfish crackers and now he is not screaming. Really I think you have to be o top of the food situation if you don't want these hunger break downs! And it is literally no help for me if he is just out there letting him scream bloody murder (I wish I had the screaming recorded for his grown up self) becaude he doesnt understand what he is saying. i mean for an hour straight how am I supposed to ignore that and continue sleeping?  

Really my face shows my non sleep stressed out nastiness. Pimps galooooooore. i feel like I need 10 showers a day because I am covered in milk and spit up and stress grease from my anxious sweating. It is lovely.

Mom's visit

My mom was here for a month.
W&F had the time of their lives having her here because she gives them so much attention that we don't have to really do much in the entertaining department.
She would get up in the morning with them and I slept in. It wasn't really discussed but that's the schedule that happened and I kinda felt bad about it because I know she was tired too but I am grateful for all she did for us. Cooking meals and letting us go out. I don't know how fun it was for her but we are glad she got to come and be here when Cannon was born. It was a special time..

Here are some pictures from my mom's camera of her adventures with the babies.

7 weeks!

Cannon is 7 weeks old tomorrow.
I cannot believe that it has gone by so quickly. He is getting chubbier by the day and has baby acne now.
Here is a slide show of his growth so far. It's not really noticeable but cute pictures of babies are fun to look at.

At the hospital so maybe1 or  2 days old

first week home

this could be the first week home too wearing Neal's baby shirt

we tried a baby photo shoot and this was the only picture that really turned out good

This picture was taken at one month I think!

One month and 2 weeks? You can tell I'm SO on top of things.

These are random pictures of his best faces...not in age order.

Nursing-breastfeeding

There is just something about it that makes me feel happy. It's probably the hormones that make the mother feel happy but also being able to feed your baby with the body you just created him with is such a cool experience.It's really unexplainable.
It did hurt a TINY bit in the beginning but that is what the cream is for.  I guess it also when the baby bites down and twists his face. That's just the WORST.
Using a boppy in the beginning was a pain. Always having to find the "cereal" pillow. That's is what W&F called it. Now I don't use anything and it's easier because he's bigger and I don't have to search down a pillow or sit in a certain spot. Boppys really are worthless because you could just use a pillow instead and save yourself money. I only used ours for a month. But it was used to begin with so I didn't waste money on it.

Giving my baby something that he's supposed to have instead of pumping him full of formula  (which is still good and fine) felt like I was accomplishing something by giving him breast milk. I do give him formula too and holy cow it's crazy how slowly you go through a thing of formula when the baby is only eating 6-8 oz if that a day of it! It's pretty crazy how much formula W&F went through since after a month they were only formula fed.

The hardest part about breastfeeding I have found is drinking enough water and eating the food necessary to raise my milk supply.  I have been taking fenugreek for a few weeks but other than smelling like pancakes in my arm pits I haven't noticed MUCH of a difference.  Also it is hard to get him to hurse more than 10-15 minutes sometimes. The nurses said babies will nurse like 20-30 minutes? never does he do that! It makes me sad to feel like I have no milk!
I really wanted to phase out the formula all together but pumping doesn't always give me enough to leave with a babysitter or Neal. 

Ready to go!

This picture is from the first day when I still had to wear the leg squeezer things.

 I wrote this the night before we got to go home:

I have been sitting/laying in a bed for too long. Even though I get up often my butt/back hurts soooo bad that I cannot get comfortable to sleep. It isn't the worst pain but I think it hurts worse than my incision ever did! it is very annoying because I need to sleep but can't! The pain meds work wonders on my incision and belly area but do nothing for my butt for some reason.

I don't know how to relieve it. I guess I just spend too much time in this bed so my butt has molded to the mattress and now it's not squishy.

Neal of course is sleeping. I am glad he is doing that instead of going to the cafeteria to get more gross greasy food that he has become obsessed with here because of boredom.
I think my only option now for pain relief is a shower... And I can't take one while he is sleeping because there's nobody to watch the baby because Neal doesn't wake up for ANY noise.

June 1st

 After the surgery they wheeled me through the hallways (which is embarrassing by the way) and my mom was waiting in the hall to see the baby.

They took me back to the "room" more like curtained area that I was in before and Neal kept giving me updates on the baby. I guess he was there when they gave him a bath and then they asked if I wanted to nurse him but I decided to let them give him a bottle because I was LOOOPy and feeling really really sick.
I don't know how long maybe an hour or two and then they wheeled me up to our HUGEMONGO room. I was feeling queasy the whole bumpy way up and then once we got to the room I threw up. Luckily I didn't throw up in front of anybody in the halls! hah
I probably threw up 10 times before I felt better.
Anytime I moved my head to look around the room would spin. It was not a good feeling. I had NONE of this with W&F.  The nurses were mostly nice except the nurse that I had second I think. My first nurse asked me if I wanted to try liquids like ice chips jello and juice and I said YES OF COURSE because I was sooooo thirsty but I threw up even after eating just ice. The second nurse freaked out after I told her I threw up and picked up the tray of "liquids" and said in a mean tone "you're done then." and went on to say stuff about how SHE always says wait THIS amount of time instead of THIS amount of time before introducing liquids........ Like I was a freaking child or something. I cried when she left the room because holy cow if I want my ice chips and to keep throwing up it isn't hurting YOU!
Anyway I didn't like that nurse and had a grudge against her until her shift was over.
I did have a nurse that I liked a lot and thought she went over and above her nursly duties. She was older and so loving and caring and nice. She seemed to actually care while the other nurses were nice but were just doing their jobs. She helped me go to the bathroom to sit on the toilet the first time and (TMI SORRY!) she WASHED MY BACK down with soap and wash cloth and then rubbed lotion on it and gave me a massage! I couldn't  believe it and i wanted to cry because of how nice she was.

That blob in his lap is the baby! haha

 

Cannon with his Grammy and Mimo.

39 Weeks

I took this picture the night before the scheduled Csection.

I was pretty nervous this time. Having two kids at home I was worried about being away from them for 4 days but my mom was here so I didnt worry too much. Also I was more worried about the whole procedure. With W&F I wasn't really nervous at all for some reason! But since I already knew what to expect (and it isn't pretty after a csection) I mean I was OK having a c section again if I didn't go into labor  by the time it was scheduled but only because I was EXTREMELY nervous about having him the regular way too because I had NO idea what to expect with that. I would rather have neither honestly but whatever.
My doctor said she didn't want me to go past 39.5 weeks anyway so I scheduled the csection for 3 days earlier than that on the weekend. Then we get there and I'm thinkin "people do this all the time" in my mind to make myself feel better. And the doctor the surgery was scheduled with came in and asked how far along I was and why we were there and was like "well why are you here? I usually let people go all the way to 40." after I was already hooked up to IVs and had been there over an hour probably. So I was like well I'm already here might as well....

 here is me being nervous

Neal pretending he has a baby too.

I didn't eat for like 12+ hours before the surgery since it was scheduled they don't want you to eat or drink 8 hours before but I went longer because of the weird time. Anywaythey give you this nasty shot of grape stuff to "settle your stomach" but I think that is a load of poop.
In the OR I was NERVOUS. I was shaking so hard. I was afraid to feel that sharp pain down my leg that felt like electricity because they hit a nerve or something last time but not this time! The anesthesiologist was an older nice lady. Then once I was laid down with warm towels all over my arms and stuff I was getting numb I was also starting to feel dizzier and more light headed than I have ever felt in my life and I felt like I was going to die. That may sound like an exaggeration but I literally didn't know what was happening. I mean I knew people got nauseous with anesthesia sometimes but I didn't at all with W&F. Then I started throwing up out of nowhere.....laying down and throwing up is not fun. And then I felt better. And then we had a baby.
He was born June 1, 2013 at 1 something in the afternoon and was 7lbs 12 oz.
Neal actually got pictures of him being pulled out but ONLY when his head was out. Then he stopped to watch instead of take pictures.

 sorry. I had to.

50

I have a total of 50 drafts saved that I never posted. So I am attempting to catch this thing up and write the million things that have been running through my head. I always think "oh I should write that down" and then never do. Or I do and it gets lost as a draft.

All 4 boys are taking naps right now. Cannon on a bed full of toys, Neal beside Cannon with a Star Wars book, and W&F in their beds. So as naptime is about to end I am JUST NOW taking advantage of the silence. When really I should have been sleeping too but it's too late now.